As I sit in a hotel lobby at 4:00 AM drinking awful coffee (story for another time), I’m reflecting on:
If happiness from a boon or gain or accomplishment is just the loss of the pain of not having that gain, then maybe we can just short circuit that process and stop wanting the thing in the first place
Of course, this is a well-studied idea1. But what gets me is: Is that what happiness is? Can I really be happy by removing desire (which, presumptively, prevents happiness by showing me a future I don’t have). Certainly, some class of happiness can be “solved” by this anti-FOMO strategy. But it seems so zero-sum.
view full postAs I sit in a hotel lobby at 4:00 AM drinking awful coffee (story for another time), I’m reflecting on:
If happiness from a boon or gain or accomplishment is just the loss of the pain of not having that gain, then maybe we can just short circuit that process and stop wanting the thing in the first place
Of course, this is a well-studied idea1. But what gets me is: Is that what happiness is? Can I really be happy by removing desire (which, presumptively, prevents happiness by showing me a future I don’t have). Certainly, some class of happiness can be “solved” by this anti-FOMO strategy. But it seems so zero-sum.
This idea assumes that I believe I will be happier with that thing in my life, and therefore I am less happy for not having it. I don’t think this is the case at all. I want to look forward to things. I want to feel closer every day to a goal, for example. This “happiness of progress” seems to be totally different.
example: Kids
Nobody could ever have told me I’d be happy as a father. It was something I wanted, but my happiness was not realized when the kids were born. They themselves bring the happiness with their delightful little goblin selves every day. This sort of “lost the sadness of not having kids” does not adequately explain the joy of being a father2:
But what kind of happiness is that? It seems to be the happiness of relationship, a totally different kind.
Types of happiness
Where this train of thought leads me to is: What are the types of happiness, and what are the viable strategies for preserving or achieving them. I know there are types of love but without looking for it, I’m motivated to try to try and derive this list myself first.3
Here’s a rough list:
- The loss of persistent discomfort
- The end of a journey
- The joy of laziness, or The contentment of having no obligations
- Discovery and creation
- Personal connection
- The joy of being
And of course, there are many that are derived or from combinations of these:
- the joy of collaboration is roughly “personal connection” plus “creation”
I think this is an incomplete list, but it allows one (me only?) to not feel too guilty about desire, while at the same time feeling happy in the moment for various reasons. This feels less absolutist and more adult.
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. See any old philosophy. Or, I suggest read Happiness Hypothesis for a decent summary. ↩︎
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Side note: The stoics would say I should relish this feeling, but face the prospect of losing it every day, to keep the feeling fresh and sweet. Yes, thinking of the kids being sully parent-hating teenagers that love speeding and hate school … well that does make these days all the sweeter. ↩︎
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Where even might we find this list? Perhaps an evolutionary biologist would say that “Status” is the most important thing, and all other derive from this. ↩︎
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